So where’s my left future? I can see the self-destructive bent of capitalism; much better writers than me could over-flow library shelves on this point alone. I don’t know how I can be a real radical leftist; I’ve experienced the horrors of capitalism, but I also like cars and big slap speaker cabinets and tasty caffeinated teas easily ordered from drive –thru diners.
And though I may not be singular or a unique genius, I do love distance from other people no matter how much pain it causes me ( this is not masochism). Hatred is a different, momentary (and thankfully short-lived) feeling for me; the fact that I’ve wanted revenge against hard to extremely hard-right people after Anders Brievik, after Charlottesville and the various church shootings, is balanced by knowing that the lone figure of me acting on such a desire for revenge would hurt the cause I support more than some reactionary enemy (which I’ve mostly concocted in my mind from online news sources).
I suppose this battle within my head and heart led to me acting out with destructive drug use more than any need to soothe residual hangovers from my early 20’s. It’s been unclear for the most part, but this blog project has been about killing the reactionary mind inside me as substitute for outward acts of vengeance. I know I’ll never succeed fully in battling the rampant monstrosity of human thought and behavior; it’s only an approximation of a better vision of life.
This does not make me Buddhist or otherwise religious. I can accept Croce’s anti-metaphysical claims about philosophy and science as replacement and continuation of religion, but I love him for the poetry in his writing . Perhaps I’ve gone too far in asserting his statements as a new religion ( “With each new prophecy a little bit of evil enters the world” , the most succinct phrase on any of those ambitions. )
Offline, I’ve turned from writing horror to sci-fi. I feel no need to disguise (rather than harness and temper) my politics in fiction writing; trashy sci-fi is better with that human (or otherwise) element and I want to take it more seriously while having fun writing. And perhaps horror writers suffering from anhedonic depression are more qualified to write in that genre. I now feel too non-anhedonic, and won’t continue that literary path.